Recognizing Partners and What it Takes to Keep it Going Strong

Aug 9, 2022

Today is my wedding anniversary. Yep, 24 years ago, on a boiling hot day, I married Mark, the man I am fortunate enough to still love and cherish dearly to this day. I know I lucked out.

“Love and reason have never been well acquainted.” Nina de Gramont, author of the novel The Christie Affair

This quote resonated with me. After all, I was a baby (18) when I decided I wanted to marry Mark, and we married four years later before we even finished university (“hey, it would probably make sense to get married this summer rather than next, don’t you think?”). Nina de Garmont, there is truth to what you write; I’m just grateful I was on the right side of that luck.

Lucky…And You Make Your Own Luck

To counterbalance luck, we had to put in much effort over the years, particularly when life threw more at us than any marriage could manage. I remember in the early 2000s. I was brought to my knees with postpartum depression. I was also dangerously sick after my second child (I was advised it’s not safe to have more children.) All the while, my mother-in-law was fighting cancer, and crushingly, we lost her. We were drowning in debt. We had two jobs, no hobbies, and even less sleep.

I recall this time as being one of extreme: love and loss, highs and lows, gifts and goodbyes. Sometimes I wonder how we made it to this day.

I can remember days – when I let hopelessness and pity get the upper hand – when I wondered if we would.

Recognition truly has been our true north.

I’m not just saying that. Recognition saved us.

When recognition has been lacking in our marriage – complaining, judging, criticizing, taking-for-granted – we’ve been in the most trouble. When recognition’s been highest – complimenting, apologizing, helping, listening – we’ve been our strongest.

Yes, it was easier to recognize when times were lighter; however, it wasn’t only in the highs when we dished out appreciation (just like sometimes, in those highs, we took each other for granted).

Notice I didn’t talk about “our happiest times.” Happiness has too many external variables to set this as our relationship goal. Recognition is an active and actionable approach to nurturing our relationship; we have total control over it.

When we feel appreciated by people who matter to us, it’s a grounding, fortifying force that can remind us we’re liked, loved and supported enough to be okay because we are worthy.

I’d be the first person to say you don’t need a romantic relationship to be happy, fulfilled and healthy. We do need relationships of various forms that make us feel valued. If you are in a romantic relationship, you deserve to feel appreciated.

The words we use have become a gauge as to if we’re doing okay in the relationship recognition department:

• I am sorry
• I didn’t mean to
• I appreciate it when you
• I really like ____ about you
• I have fun with you
• I want to do ___ with you
• I feel better talking to you
• I love you

BTW, the first two are called “repair attempts,” and they’re unassuming recognition super words in relationships. (You can read more in my all-time favourite relationship book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D.)

Did I miss any relationship recognition words that are your go-to’s in your closest relationships?

And how can you bring even more recognition into your closest personal relationship? Who will be the first to notice when you do? What impact will it have? What will the benefit be for you and them?

Luck, love and recognition. A powerful combination for relationship wellbeing.

Here is a pic of our fam today (below); Mark (52), me (46), Justin (19) and Simonne (17.) The pic of Mark and I surprised above is on our 20th wedding anniversary trip to Scotland where we found a message in a bottle; yes, an actual message in a bottle!

The bottom line is this: we’re perfectly imperfect individually and collectively; however, I can say, with absolute certainty, that we’re stronger when we forever recognize (each) other’s greatness.

For more resources about maintaining, repairing and improving relationships, check out these previous blog posts:

• Repairing Relationships to Recognize and Retain the Best

• Three Resources for Healthier ​Workplace Relationships

• I AM Enough…and so are YOU!